My Sister

There are some people that you will have only for a few years of your life. There are other people that, if you’re lucky, you’ll have for most of your life. The thing is, you can’t spend too much time grieving over the people the prior when they leave, because you’ll find others eventually. I have a lifelong friend and everyday I am thankful for her.

            When other people come and go, she is there. She’s always there, even when we haven’t spoken for a couple of days, weeks…even months. I’m going to call her Sandy because I figure if I am going to protect my identity, I might as well protect hers too. For those of you who I know in the real world, you’ll know who she is anyways.

            I met Sandy when I was six-no seven years old. For the first years of our friendship, she was a playmate. But as we became older and grew, Sandy and I grew together. As other friends grew into different people and separated, Sandy and I became stronger. Our roots had intertwined and as we became (slightly) taller, grew wiser and our branches expanded into a vast sky, our roots remained. No matter how far our branches go, our roots hold tightly. It was a matter of luck, we hardly tried to stay as connected as we did.

            As we grew into young adults, we weren’t playmates. We were…sisters. I can recall many long walks as in our early teens during which we discussed matters of life such as religion, morals, sexuality…pretty much anything you wouldn’t talk about with your mom. Heaven forbid our mothers’ know we were both agnostic, or that we were pro-choice, or that we were pro-gay equality.  When you have someone to share those thoughts with, it makes your values much stronger. If I was being ridiculous, Sandy would tell me so, but that was rare and most of the time we came to the same conclusions.

 One of the most significant discussions was when we at her house. I was spending the night and as we sat on her bed we went deep into a discussion about life and death and the problem arouse: what if there was no afterlife?

            “What if…what if there is just nothing? When you die…what if it all just goes black? No memories, no feeling, just…just nothing? What if there is nothing?”

            I believe I asked the question. The thought of nothing after life left me feeling like there was a void in my chest. It left me feeling nothingness, a seemingly impossible emotion. All people, despite what some say, fear being forgotten or forgetting everything. Many people feel that without knowing you will feel and think and remember that there is no reason. What is our purpose if only to die? How can we say “I will love you always” when there is no such thing as forever? True terror is the feeling of nothingness.

            “I’ve thought about that too,” Sandy spoke up after a long silence, “but I don’t think that’s possible. I mean our body consists of energy and if we die that energy can’t just disappear. That’s not physically possible.”

            “That still doesn’t guarantee much,” I sighed, unsatisfied.

            “You’re right, it doesn’t. But we know that we will ALWAYS exist. Maybe we won’t be human, we might not have memories or thought or these feelings, but will exist.”

            (I think of this today and I wonder if it is true. If Descartes was correct in saying “I think, therefore I am,” then this concept does not prove existence.  It does not prove existence in the human sense of the word). This thought was comforting, somehow. I felt glad to think that I would always exist, even if that meant losing my humanity.

            “You’re probably right,” I gave her a halfhearted smile and sighed again. We were silent for several minutes before I spoke again. “You know…whatever happens when we die, promise me something?”

“What?”

“Promise that you’ll wait for me, I mean, if you die first. Wait for me when it happens, when you’re somewhere between humanity and whatever happens afterwards. Wait for me at the pearly gates or at the river Styx, wait for me before you transform into an energy ball. Promise me that you’ll wait for me so that I have someone to go into it all with. I don’t want to be alone.”

Sandy chuckled, “Sure. You’ll do the same thing for me?”

“No,” I said sarcastically, “I’m going to go without you even though you’d wait for me.” We both laughed like the dorks we are and I continued, “Yeah, I will.”

That night I had trouble falling asleep, our discussion still weighed heavy on my mind, but eventually, I slept. I slept knowing that no matter who comes and goes that Sandy would be there in the end of all things. I slept knowing that in the end, I wasn’t alone.

Best,
Anna Belle Lee